


Being A-Squared and Enjoying Fandom

by Atharianias (KrismMoon)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Aromantic, Asexuality, Fandom, Personal Ramblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 15:36:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13527297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrismMoon/pseuds/Atharianias
Summary: This is a personal perspective that I wanted to post. I rarely divulge things like my orientation online, but, I got into a mood, and I wanted to post this. Because, why not?





	Being A-Squared and Enjoying Fandom

**Author's Note:**

> I've been told that I am a sarcastic shit, but nothing I write here is meant to be derogatory to anyone. If you found anything offensive, please, let me know. This is a personal thing I am posting, a rambling thread of things that I wanted to get off my chest, but I am aware that my perspective is not everyone's, and that may cause me to be short-sighted. Honestly, I wrote this because I was looking back on what I've been through, most of which I have not written here, but also the positivity that has grown around asexuality and aromantic concepts within fandom and in real life.

Have you ever been in that situation where you just want to stand in line at the cafeteria, but your friend can't stop pointing out how hot the worker is at the counter? No? I guess, if you didn't then you were eagerly nodding along, or expressing disdain for their standards. Or you don't have friends. Either one.

Well, I know a lot of people who aren't out have experienced this. Feigning attraction to a gender so you don't look like a freak is unfortunately quite common. For some reason, a big part of being a teenager (and later life, ugh) is full of your friends checking what your sexuality is:

"Who do you think is the most attractive celebrity?"

"Do you have a crush on anyone in class?"

"Are you a virgin?"

Honestly, when my friends would start in on how hot the guys were, I would mentally check out, and would think of actually interesting things, like...next period's homework that I still needed to finish.

"Why are you all so fixated on the penis?!" I felt like screaming. And don't get me started on the guys. Vagina this, breasts that. To be fair, I didn't know anyone who was out in high school, so I just assumed I was surrounded by the heterosexuals. I _thought_ I was het!

In the end, though, it's all the same isn't it? You all usually want to be sexually involved with someone at some point.

I'm not a prude. I just don't want to be involved with other people's genitals.

Oh, I am also an asexual. That's the official label. Yeah, I can still hear that one asshat being all like "But isn't that how plants reproduce? How can you be a plant?"

I don't know, how are you so fucking annoying? To clarify, this was a comment made in an actual lecture on asexuality, wherein the presenter just spent time explaining the concept. So, there was no excuse for that person's ignorance or their rudeness.

I have been asked, point-blank by friends, "Have you gotten your hormones checked?" Well, ummmm. Why is that your business? I could have asked, "Are you sure you're straight? Have you looked at queer porn? Why are you straight though? Are _your_ hormones getting checked?"

But that would be petty. And fucking invasive.

From the time that I was 12, and even younger, I knew that sex just wasn't for me. The idea of being intimate in that fashion with another person repulses me, and the act of sex itself is quite grotesque.

How do you do it? Put that amount of trust in someone else? Allow your body to touch someone and get _excited?!_ What a concept! My mind is still blown. I remember learning that my sibling had sex, and my first thought was "But why? Okay so, now that you've done it, I guess that's it? Are you done now forever?"

To put this into perspective, I was 14. I knew and understood reproduction, and that people had sex to have babies, but I honestly couldn't understand why you would go out of your way to do it just because you could.

Ugh, just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.

Now, before you grab your pitchforks, I am not saying that if you have sex then you're gross. I'm really not. I could care less as long as it is something that you want and it is between consenting adults, go wild. But I don't want to get in on this whole sex thing.

And this really concerns people. For some reason.

I have gotten pity, shock, confusion, worry, and a boat load of other things when I tell people I am asexual. These people genuinely believe that I am missing out on this great mythic thing; This holy act that must be enacted to achieve the ultimate pleasure in life.

I worry for these people. Have they never picked up a book? Watched a tv show? Crocheted? Or just had a good time talking with people about things you are passionate about?

I am still told that I just haven't met the right person. And if you know your labels, then you know that asexuals can experience romantic inclinations, but sexual ones aren't really their thing. Well, guess who isn't interested in romance either?

You guessed it! It's me. Using the vernacular of my people, I am aromantic/asexual; gasp!! the most boring combination of them all.

Now, why am I writing this? Because this is my account. But also, because I have experienced negativity about my sexuality throughout my life, but have been blessed to have a very supportive network of family and friends. And, well. I have never written about it before. I know some people just plaster it everywhere on their social media, and that isn't really me. But, I rarely sit down and examine myself regarding my orientation, and it is an interesting process.

I know that some people also get confused about asexuals and their place in fandom. Not going into details, I read explicit stories, gen stories, all stories, really. I can appreciate the work an author puts into their stories. How they can create such an intense, over-encompassing experience that I am transported into the world of their creation. It's amazing. I am enthralled every time.

Even the bad fics. They are something else!

And guess what? As an aro/ace, I am not put off by your porn! Am I mystifying to you? I know some people will be aghast, confused:

"How can she like reading porn and yet doesn't like sex itself."

Well, as an individual, I am not made from a mold of which some people think all aro/ace people were created, so, my preferences are my own.

I am one of the raunchiest people I know. I have been told by my friends that I am _that_ person, you know...the one that always _goes there._ Takes the joke to it most elegant, raunchy height just to see the light die a little in the other person's eyes. It's the best fun to have.

But (TMI) when I imagine engaging in sex, I curl up and try not to gag. I have likened it to being in the Hannibal fandom. Hopefully, none of us engage in cannibalism, but my god do I love that show. If I knew a person like Hannibal Lector in real life, I would run the fuck away and call the police, but I love reading how authors write Hannibal, because Hannibal Lector isn't real. The plot isn't real, the characters aren't real; it is a sandbox full of cannibals, psychopaths and more wordy dialogue than you can shake a stick at, and I love visiting, peeking inside to see what people have made.

I know that there are people who can't do this. People who are so sex-repulsed that they throw up their hands in frustration as they realize that sorting by the kudos option is not really the best option for them (psst...it's cos y'all love your porn lol). I feel their frustration, I do. Sometimes my aro/ace needs rage inside my mind, and I just get a craving for some asexual and/or aromantic stories.

(FYI, Luke Skywalker is aromantic asexual. He just is. I don't make the rules.)

(Also, that was an example of my headcanons. I am not hating on people who ship SkySolo, for example. I also ship SkySolo. I am the ace *winkwink* multishipper. Luke deserves all the happiness he can get, however he can get it.)

I live for the asexual headcanons, the stories that have characters identifying themselves as asexual, but are still capable of love; Of being attractive and in a loving relationship. Of being asexual, not because they were abused (which is valid, but come on, people who haven't survived trauma are also ace too! People don't need to be thrown through the wringer to come out ace!) but because they were born that way. And! And!! When people write aromantic asexuals as interesting, not frigid and closed off, that is (fucking rare, now that I think about it) some heady shit.

And to the people who have looked at my works that I have written over the years, and have been like, "Why are you writing romance and sex when you don't understand what it is to feel them?"

Oh, I don't know? How do you, a straight woman, write two men in love? (Again, if you can't tell, this is based off of my experiences with people...I know queer people write fanfiction. And if you are straight, and writing queer characters, I hope you aren't just fetishizing queer people.)

My response would be:

"How do you write about a cannibal and his love for Will Graham? Are you a cannibal? Are you a psychiatrist that kills people who are rude and then cooks them into fancy meals? No?? But how can you write them if you don't understand how it is to feel like a cannibal?"

When I write, I am plucking ideas out of my mind and shaping them. What I create is based off of what I have experienced, what I have observed, and what I feel like creating. Not everything I write needs to reaffirm my identity, just like when other people write, they usually are writing because they had an idea that they needed to explore.

This isn't a critique, by the way. I am not posting this to like, rally anyone, or make anyone angry. I am just posting a snapshot of my emotions and my reflections on what it means (for me) being an aromantic asexual and in fandom in a hypersexual world. Because, it can be frustrating. And when I am looking for representation, I can admit that I am like "Really, no one here believes that this character is asexual? Or aromantic? Really? Have you not watched the show/read the book/played the game? REALLY??"

I think we have all had similar moments with finding fanfic/fanart/prompts/etc. that fit our headcanons during our time in fandom, let's be honest here.

Again, this is just my perspective. I really do appreciate the effort every author puts into their work to explore and enrich the source content, even if it comes out as a 1k pwp story.

If you made it this far into my ramblings, wow. Thanks! You are a strong person with a great attention span, because this shit is boring. But, as I get older, and the climate in fandoms shift, I wanted to express something personal, in a manner that wasn't written to be digested in story form.

If you take anything away from this (and you don't have to!), I think it would be that we are all coming into our fandoms with our own backgrounds and preferences, and that's okay! I am just really happy that as the years go by, more and more people are writing characters that I identify with, that asexual/aromantic headcanons are seen more, and that, in real life, less people have the fucking nerve to ask me if I've had my hormones checked when I tell them my orientation.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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